If you stop by my blogspot...

...let me know. I think I am going leave this blog alone and just keep facebooking and myspacing. If you get here on blogspot, leave a comment, but I'm fairly certain I'm the only one (perhaps my less than monthly posting has something to do with that)

Reprinted post

This was originally titled "How Casting Crowns Saved My Life"

When I first started working at Wegmans, I had a bunch of doubts, concerns, fears, etc. They were about money, life, who I was, what was going to happen; pretty much how my life was ever going to get back to some sense of normalcy. One morning on the way home, I was really being hard on myself. I was thinking I was a failure already and that I was going to continue to be a failure. I did not think I could be a good husband, a good father, a good child of God ever again.

A few weeks earlier, I had told Shawna that when I was in the van with the kids, I would listen to KLOVE, the national Christian radio station. I actually started to listen the station even when I was in the van by myself. And on this particular morning, I was wallowing in the misery that was myself, and I heard the following words:

Oh what I would to do to have
The kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
And the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me time and time agian, boy
You never win, you never win
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says do not be afraid
And the voice of truth says this is for my glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

I have grown to really love all of the music by Casting Crowns, but this song will always hold a special place in my heart. As I was reminding myself of all the times I had tried and failed, God was calling out to me, telling me, "Do not be afraid, I am with you." I just started crying and crying. It was at this point that I realized everything was going to be okay because someone other than me was now in control. I have not trusted Him perfectly and at every moment since then, but I have seen how He has been working in my life. It is truly amazing what all He has done for my family and me [in the past three and a half years.]

I am the Luckiest Man Alive

So the other day I opened a book I have not opened in a long time. Inside were messages written by several friends from church back in Rochester. I remembered having been awarded the book during a marriage class Shawna and I took with 4 other couples. Each week of the course, someone won a book or some other prize for being the person who exhibited some positive marriage characteristic during that week's class.

The characteristic I was exhibiting the "most desire to meet my partner's need." It was dated February 2003. I think the date is what hurt the most. From this point for the next 30 months, my actions showed very little care or concern for meeting Shawna's needs. I loved her and the children the entire time. I was a provider. But I was also very sick (in the head, I don't think I've overcome that yet.) After I hit my own personal bottom, Shawna was there for me every step of the way.

She will probably be mad at for saying this, but I have the single greatest wife in the world. I love her deeply and am so grateful for her being in my life. I should never ask for another Christmas or birthday present--ever. I have been given so much. I think now it really is time I live up to the desire that people saw in me almost six years ago. I think I'm going to start by going on the Oprah show, jumping up and down on the couch yelling, "I love this woman!!!"

Thoughts on Plateaus

Sometimes, reaching a plateau can be a bad thing. If someone is said to have reached a plateau, that usually means they have stopped growing; they have a reached a wall and can go no further. Often, when we reach a plateau, we become satisfied, complacent, and we stop trying to push ourselves as hard as we possibly can.

When this is the case, then plateaus can be bad. I once climbed Pike's Peak in Colorado. At any number of places, I could have stopped climbing. I could have admired the view from where I was, thanked God for the beauty of nature I had already experienced and made my way back down to the base of the moutain. But I climbed all the way to the top. And it was tremendous. To have stopped at a plateau would have deprived me of one of the greatest joys of my life.

But I am starting to realize that sometimes, plateaus can be all right. Sometimes, we need a level place where we can stop and rest. We need to regain our strength before we move on. Back to my climb up Pike's Peak: there were several times we stopped to rest along the way; we needed to refill our water bottles; we needed to stop to eat the lunches we brought with us, etc. We needed to rest and rejuvenate before we moved forward.

Also, a plateau is a good place to land if for any reason we begin to fall. An occasional slip is not reason to think we must start over completely. Rather, we take the lessons we have learned in the climb we have already made; we learn from the fall so we do not make the same mistake again; and we become able to move even further forward.

I ramble this out at a time when I am firmly and comfortably perched on a plateau in my life. When I realized I was here, I was angry with myself for not being at the top of the mountain. It took a lot of prayer and some good friends to kick me in my back side to help me realize a time of rest is a good thing. I am resting. I am recuperating. I am being renewed day by day. I do not plan on staying here forever, but for now, I'm good.

Three Mistakes Churches Make

So before I get into this, I will give a little warning: I have not done extensive, scholarly research into this topic. It is just a simple reflection from my own observation, my own experience, and the study I was fortunate enough to do with many incredible teachers.

I believe the church (universally, not any specific denomination) has committed three big mistakes. First, the church has over-emphasized guilt. I have met too many people that describe themelves as "recovering Catholics" or "recovering Christians" to just dismiss the idea. When reading the Bible, it is apparent that there is right and wrong, good and evil, sinfulness and righteousness. It is apparent that sin will be punished and there is both a Heaven and a Hell. But it seems that the message of who is going to Hell has been harped on a little too much. Maybe this is just a perspective thing. Perhaps those who have left the church are more sensitive to the messages that drove them away. But maybe, just maybe, we in the churh have been too quick to highlight the negative and eternal consequences of sin to the neglect of the message of grace and mercy that our Lord wants us to teach.

Second, on the other end of the pendulum, the church has promoted a message of eternal happiness and ease when living a life for Christ. I observed an interesting manifestation of this idea in a small group study last week. The author of the book we were studying told a story about a godly woman, and the audience's reaction seemed to be one of guilt: "Why can't I be as godly as that woman was?" The question was then posed in our group: "Is Christianity supposed to make us feel miserable?" Well, if we think that all of our problems go away and that the "real world" no longer will affect us, then when problems arise and the "real world" affects us, we get all discombobulated. While at ACU, I heard Joe Beam use the illustration from the Gospels about when the storm on the sea arose and the disciples, professional seagoers, thought they were going to die. Well, they were exactly where Jesus had told them to be. So while obeying Jesus, they experienced a great storm. Sometimes, life in Christ may lead to what many would consider misery (see Paul, Apostle). So maybe instead of eternal happiness and ease, we should be stressing the idea of joy, which is deeper than happiness, and contentment.

Third, the church must learn how to deal with sin. This is very closely related to number 1, I realize. But I do think the church struggles with how to deal with real, live sinners. Sure, we all give assent to the fact the we are all sinners. But when we actually have to accept a "real" sinner, we don't always know what to do. In my own experience, I struggle with this because I created a real problem for the church I was attending several years ago. They responded in ways they felt were appropriate, and I did not feel any right to be able to say otherwise. However, several family members and friends have remarked to me that they feel I was treated overly harsh. Was I? I cannot say. But I can say this, when we are faced with someone in our midst who has gifts, talents, and abilities given to them by God; and that someone is struggling in their relationship to God, we must find ways to nurture their relationship with God while encouraging their participation in the life of the church. Ostracizing and holding people up as examples may not be the most effective way to restore one's relationship with God.

As I said, this is one person's thought. It is based purely on my experience. The church has a difficult task of living the life of Christ in this world today. We must proclaim absolute truth in a world that is refusing to accept absolutes. We must stand firm and proclaim there is right and there is wrong, but we must do so in a way that fosters growing relationships. I wish I had all the answers. Instead, all I have is a blog to try and formulate my thoughts clearly, and hopefully receive input from you. Am I on the right track? Am I way off? For those reading this who are outside of a relationship with a church or with God, have I begun to recognize what is keeping you away?

May God bless all of you--Paul

Reflections on Revisiting Rock-bottom

"If you want to reach the bottom of your hole, drop the shovel."

I do not know who first said that. I know where I first heard it; but am positive it was not original with him. A little over three years ago, I finally dropped the shovel and crawled out of the hole I dug. Check that, I was pulled out of the hole I had dug. Pulled out by a loving God, a loving wife, loving parents, brothers, sisters-in-law, and great friends. To this day, I have been able to avoid digging that hole any deeper.

In fact, until recently, I had not even gone anywhere near the hole. But now, I find that I have jumped back in and picked up the shovel again. Thankfully, I have not begun to dig any deeper. Sometimes, fear is a good thing. The thought that I will die (or worse, live) in the despair that would be created is enough to "scare me straight."

Several weeks ago, I felt an urge, a desire, a craving, that I have not experienced in years. I did not act on that desire, but I felt it, and I did not like it. So I started to try and do things a little bit different. I tried to recogzine and acknowledge what was wrong and try to fix it. I even made some necessary changes. It sucks to be 33 and burnt out. It sucks to feel like a failure at everything. It sucks to feel alone in a sea of people. So I slowed down. I stepped back. I relaxed. I took a breath.

And I felt empty.

I broke down to a group of friends. I started talking to different people to seek counsel, advice, an ear. Good things started happening. I participated in a truly life-changing event.

And I still felt (feel) empty.

So here I am back in the hole. I feel very similar to how I felt three years ago. Those of you who know me well know what was going on three years ago. Coming face to face with the crap human being I was may perhaps have been the most humiliating experience of my life. I don't want to go through that again.

So the circumstances are different. The emptiness is caused by something different. But here I am in the hole again. It looks just like I remembered. You know, I think I'm through with this place. I'm not going to drop my shovel. I'm going to break it in two and burn it.

Discipline

I am not referring to discipline in the sense of punishing children. But I am noticing that it is hard to maintain the spiritual disciplines of prayer, reading, journaling (blogging in this century, I guess), and talking with other people. With prayer and Bible reading, along with meditation and silence, one gets closer to God. I find that through blogging I can make sense of all the garbled mess floating around my head. And talking with others is just great; humans need fellowship, we need connection.

I have so many friends nearby and have reconnected with so many more through this blog, Myspace, and Facebook. I have the opportunity to e-mail or call people daily, even several times a day. Yet, I'm still trying to do a good job communicating with my wife! I love my brothers, but I rarely speak to them. I love my aunts, uncles, and cousins, but we only share the occasional comment on Myspace. I do not even remember the last time I spoke with my grandmother, and she is just about the most awesome person in the whole world!

I don't know if anyone still reads this blog or not. But if you do check in, please chime in on how you discipline yourselves to grow stronger.

God bless you--PM